This is dedicated to the child I never met.

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I was manipulated into ending my baby(s) by the father.

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If I was given a choice

If I was told the truth

if I was allowed to leave when I asked

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It could have been different.

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​​I do not know if it was the “right” time, or what kind of mother I would have been.

But I was not able to make a decision about my body and life, with my own mind, without fear or pressure.

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​There has not been a single day when I have not mourned and thought of what happened.

Not one day.
Not one.

I remember saying I was afraid.
I remember saying I wasn't sure.
I remember saying I needed more time.

​​I remember asking them to 

I remember making up excuses to avoid it, so I could prevent massive regrets.

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​I may never have a baby again. ​​​

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The pregnancy did not happen in isolation.

Before it came a long period of things I kept excusing.

I excused the lies.
I excused the cheatings.
I excused the manipulations.
I excused the frequent unreliability.
I excused the drug-related issues.

​I excused every abuse.

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I excused being put in situations I would never have agreed to if I had been given the full truth. Including putting us both at risk of STIs as he would refuse to wear protection or truthfully discuss what he was up to.

 

​Worst of all was the frequent humiliation and conspiring with others behind my back and sharing my secrets and private life with others — things I would specifically ask him not to share. I believe ​he would belittle me to improve his image and have others excuse his behavior. From the way I talked and carried myself, to the way my teeth are not perfect — knowing it was the result of violence — to the way I struggle with anxiety and depression, causing them to become worse. ​ ​

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Ironically, the man who has caused at least 3 abortions with different women was the pro-life one!​​​​​​​​​​​

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There is a particular loneliness that comes from no longer trusting yourself.

That was one of the worst parts.

Not the lies.
Not the humiliation.
Not even the betrayal.
The feeling that I could no longer trust my own mind.

I should have left.

I should have overcome the childhood fear of abandonment.

I should have stopped hoping it would get better.

​Instead, I changed myself. I did so many things I deeply regret.

​I responded to wrongs with wrongs.

 

Before I met him, I was a young woman graduating from one of the top universities with a great job, circle of friends, and a bright future. 

 

Today there is nothing left of me but sorrow, fear,

agony

agony

agony. ​

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I sold myself out.
I became everything I hated.

Then came the tempting calls of death and its peace. Like the one before me.

I tried, I failed.​

I am sentenced to living. ​

I will spend the rest of my life regretting and reliving the horrors

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In my experience, Thiago often lied and fabricated stories.
To friends.
To family.
To employers.

 

I should have known it would not be different for me.

Yet he becomes upset when someone gives him a taste of his own medicine.

So here is to truth.​

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I do not believe I was the first person harmed by these patterns, and I fear I will not be the last.
 

If any of these sounds familiar to you, do not do what I did. ​Do not betray or change yourself for someone who is going to betray you over and over again. ​

 

They sink their teeth into you and leave you for dead once you're dry.

 

If anyone ever makes you feel small, afraid, confused, ashamed, unsafe, or unable to trust your own mind, LEAVE.

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It doesn't always get better. Faith could be very costly.

 

​If you are being pressured around pregnancy, sex, your body, your boundaries, or your future, get help from someone outside the relationship. ​Do not abandon yourself for someone who keeps hurting you. Speak up. Save yourself while you can. 

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The legacy of Thiago Goldbach and anyone who aided him at our cost.

I hope the God whom they did things in the name of is happy with them and helps them reach the future they wanted so badly!

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